Translated from the Spanish by Rosalind Harvey

 

1. Congratulations!!!

You have purchased the best the market has to offer. For the past one hundred years we have been the preferred choice of countless customers both at home and abroad, and so it is no exaggeration when we proudly say that the best advert for our product is recent world history.

This short manual has been designed to facilitate the use of our product for our habitual, Spanish-speaking users – those familiar with the exchange rate in Mexican currency. For information required by our countrymen on the other side of the border, please contact your local distributor. Due to the complex tariff system applied to our exports, however, we would like to stress that there will be a significant increase in price.

 

2. What makes a habitual user?

In accordance with the trade norms for Latin America established by our marketing experts, a habitual user consists of any individual who consumes between two and six grams of our product each week. All consumers below this margin scarcely qualify as customers; anyone exceeding this amount, however, will almost always become a debtor (for a brief period: they simply do not last).

 

3. Quality control (cutting and packaging)

It would be impossible to fully guarantee the quality of our merchandise, given that the effects may vary according to the chemical condition of the organism involved, the climate, the city in which the transaction is carried out and, above all, the ethics of the vendor. We therefore provide a few brief recommendations prior to consumption:

A) Packaging. Preferably in small, resealable plastic bags: this prevents atmospheric humidity from affecting the quantity and quality of the product. Presentation in small slips of paper or wraps is more chic and practical for certain clients, especially those who satisfy their habit in the style traditionally designated as ‘trucker style’ (that is, in public places and/or gatherings, or else in transit, where a discreet yet unrestrained approach is required, in which the flat surface at the base of the thumb is used). These wraps can be made by the user themselves in the following way: cut out a rectangle of paper approximately 4×5 cm. Fold down the middle lengthways and, in the upper half, make a second fold like a tab (approx. ½ cm); then, take the ends of the base, making sure that one is longer than the other, fold back and interlace using the tab.

If consumption occurs in regions with a dry climate and you are a conscientious cutter, it is possible to use 35 mm film canisters as an alternate form of packaging, since a filter can always be inserted in order to consume the product directly from the receptacle. This is a practical method, although you must take care not to spoil the merchandise, not to mention losing control over the pace of consumption.

B) Cutting agents. The substances used for cutting are many and varied. The quality differs by region, and the only indisputable proof of quality is the experience of the user and/or the trust in this or that distributor.

For the sake of novices, we would like to point out that the best merchandise possesses a smell similar to that of urine; that the performance and quality will be superior when the texture of the product is compact, malleable and dry; that anxiety attacks can present themselves if the product has been cut with pills; and that if a drop of saliva makes the substance foam, it’s best to throw it down the toilet: this means some idiot has cut it with bicarbonate of soda or Alka-Seltzer.

 

4. Instructions for use – which is the best way?

Each method has its virtues, and each caters to a different emotional state.

Smoking creates an intense, fleeting effect – a purely physical, ecstatic pleasure. If you choose to employ this technique it is necessary to ‘cook’ the substance so as to remove the cutting agent and form rocks, which are easier to handle. Cooking is done with a spoon, by applying heat from a lighter. If you do not own a pipe, it is always possible to fashion one out of an empty beer or soda can. Furthermore, almost all our authorised suppliers now offer the product in two formulations: standard or rock. Ask for the one you prefer: they are easily distinguishable by their white or yellow labelling.

Injecting, meanwhile, can cater to all emotional registers. But it may take the user some time to refine the technique, and while they do there remains a moderate risk of fatal overdose, suffering heart or breathing disturbances, or experiencing only a brief and somewhat unpleasant effect. There is, too, the matter of the syringe: although its use was highly popular in Victorian times – there was a custom among gentlemen of giving golden hypodermic needles as gifts – in this day and age injecting is considered a shameful, grubby and dangerous habit. Moreover, a simple chemical difficulty remains: the cutting agent, applied to the pure substance, renders this method problematic.

Nowadays, the most practical, easy to control technique is what we in the business call ‘true west’: nasal administration.

On a flat, hard surface – preferably a piece of glass or a mirror – tip out a small quantity of powder; crush the product with a razor, a scalpel blade, the edge of a Ladatel phonecard or your voter ID until you have formed an even surface; then shape one or two very thin lines with the product, pressing down with the same blade used to crush it. Finally, snort through the nose using a straw. We recommend that this straw be narrow, so as not to damage the nasal cavity; it can range from between four and nine centimetres in length.

 

5. Contraindications

Satisfactory results can be obtained by combining the product with alcoholic drinks, although in the long term (given that one is a vasoconstrictive and the other a dehydrating agent) this mixture generates irreversible renal deficiencies. Avoid non-chemically processed items: experience shows that these tend to dilute the rushing sensation in the user. Mixing with processed substances derived from opiates is more dangerous than pleasurable, and should be left only to experts.

If you require further specifications, please consult your local supplier. They will be happy to help.

 

6. Final considerations

Remember: if you wish to have sexual intercourse, our product can increase your desire and physical stamina as long as the dose is moderate. If what you are aiming for is to stay up all night playing cards, chatting, reading or simply watching wheels turn very closely, we suggest you bank on a minimum of one gram and a maximum of three grams (these doses are of course personal: if you have guests, you will need to calculate the extra based on the skill and curiosity of those present). Likewise, it is advisable to eat something even if no appetite is felt; your digestive system will thus be affected as little as possible.

If bleeding or nasal irritation occurs, the pharmaceutical industry offers a satisfactory range of painkillers and lubricants. It is best to use them regularly in order to avoid continuous discomfort or even severe tissue damage. We remind you that our company is not responsible for this or any other damage, since our advertising campaigns warn that abuse of this product is harmful to health.

Thus concludes our manual. We thank you for choosing us, and we hope that you enjoy the benefits this wonderful product has to offer. A proudly Mexican enterprise.

 

Photograph © David Monniaux, Crack Street Dosage, 2005

Substitutes
Eliphaz