Twenty-twenty, and the time disease is epidemic. In my credit-group, anyway. And yours too, friend, unless I miss my guess. Nobody thinks about anything else any more. Nobody even pretends to think about anything else any more. (Oh yeah, except the sky, of course. The poor sky.)… It’s a thing. It’s a situation. We all think about time, catching time, coming down with time. I’m still okay, I think, for the time being.
I took out my handmirror. Everybody carries at least one handmirror now. On the zip trains you see whole carloads of people jackknifed over in taut scrutiny of their hairlines and eyesockets. The anxiety is as electric as the twanging cable above our heads. They say more people are laid low by time-anxiety than by time itself. But only time is fatal. It’s a problem, we agree, a definite feature. How can you change the subject when there’s only one subject? People don’t want to talk about the sky. They don’t want to talk about the sky, and I don’t blame them.
I took out my handmirror and gave myself a ten-second scan. I felt so heartened that I moved carefully into the kitchen and cracked out a beer. I ate a hero, and a ham salad. I lit another cigarette. I activated the TV and keyed myself in to the Therapy Channel. I watched a seventy-year-old documentary about a road-widening scheme in a place called Orpington, over in England there. Yes, very boring, very boring indeed… Boredom is meant to be highly prophylactic when it comes to time. We are all advised to experience as much boredom as we possibly can. To bore somebody is said to be even more sanative than being bored onself. That’s why we tend to raise our voices in company and go on and on about anything that enters our heads. Me I go on about time the whole time: a reckless habit. Listen to me. I’m at it again.
The outercom sounded. I switched from Therapy to Intake. No visual. ‘Who is it?’ I asked the TV. The TV told me. I sighed, and put the call on a half-minute hold. Soothing music. Boring music… Okay – you want to hear my theory? Now some say that time was caused by congestion, air plague, city life (and city life is the only kind of life there is these days). Others say that time was a result of the first nuclear conflicts (limited theatre, Persia versus Pakistan, Zaire versus Nigeria, and so on, no really big deal or anything) and more particularly of the saturation TV coverage that followed: all day the screen writhed with flesh, flesh dying or living in a queer state of age. Still others say that time was an evolutionary consequence of humankind’s ventures into space (they shouldn’t have gone out there, what with things so rocky back home). Food, pornography, the cancer cure… Me, I think it was the twentieth century that did it. The twentieth century was all it took.
I went back to my call. It was Happy Farraday. That’s right: the TV star. You’ve seen her on the Daydrama channel. The Happy Farraday. Oh, we go way back, Happy and me.
‘Hi there, Happy,’ I said, ‘What’s new?’
‘– Lou?’ her voice said warily. ‘Lou, I don’t feel so good.’
‘That’s not new. That’s old.’
‘I don’t feel so good. I think it’s really happening this time.’
‘Oh, sure. Let’s take a look at you,’ I said. ‘Come on, Happy, give me a visual on this.’
The screen remained blank, its dead cells seeming to squirm or hover. On impulse I switched from Intake to Daydrama. There was Happy, full face to camera, vividly doing her thing. I switched back. Still no visual. I said, ‘I just checked you out on the other channel. You’re in superb shape. What’s your problem?’
‘It’s here,’ said her voice. ‘It’s time.’
TV stars are especially prone to time-anxiety – to time too, it has to be said. Why? Well I think we’re looking at an occupational hazard here. It’s a thing. True, the work could hardly be more boring. Not many people know this, but all the characters in the Armchair, Daydrama and Proscenium channels now write their own lines. It’s a new gimmick, intended to promote formlessness, to combat sequentiality, and so on: the market-research gurus have established that this goes down a lot better with the homebound. Besides all the writing talent is in game-conception or mass-therapy, doing soothe stuff for the non-employed and other sections of the populace that are winding down from being functional. There are fortunes to be made in the leisure and assuagement industries. The standout writers are like those teenage billionaires in the early days of the chip revolution. On the other hand, making money – like reading and writing, come to that – dangerously increases your time-anxiety levels. Obviously. The more money you have, the more time you have to worry about time. It’s a thing. Happy Farraday is top credit, and she also bears the weight of TV fame (where millions know you or think they do), that collective sympathy, identification and concern which, I suspect, seriously depletes your time-resistance. I’ve started to keep a kind of file on this. I’m beginning to think of it as reciprocity syndrome, one of the new –
Where was I? Yeah. On the line with Happy here. My mind has a tendency to wander. Indulge me. It helps, time-wise.
‘Okay. You want to tell me what symptoms you got?’ She told me. ‘Call a doctor,’ I joked. ‘Look, give me a break. This is – what? The second time this year? The third?’
‘It’s different this time.’
‘It’s the new role, Happy. That’s all it is.’ In her new series on Daydrama, Happy was playing the stock part of a glamorous forty-year-old with a bad case of time-anxiety. And it was getting to her – of course it was. ‘You know where I place the blame? On your talent! As an actress you’re just too damn good. Greg Buzhardt and I were –’
‘Save it, Lou,’ she said. ‘Don’t burn me out. It’s real. It’s time.’
‘I know what you’re going to do. I know what you’re going to do. You’re going to ask me to drive over.’
‘I’ll pay.’
‘It’s not the money, Happy, it’s the time.’
‘Take the dollar lane.’
‘Wow,’ I said. ‘You’re, you must be kind of serious this time.’
So I stood on the shoulder, waiting for Roy to bring up my Horsefly from the stacks. Well, Happy is an old friend and one of my biggest clients, also an ex-wife of mine, and I had to do the right thing. For a while out there I wasn’t sure what time it was supposed to be or whether I had a day or night context on my hands – but then I saw the faint tremors and pulsings of the sun, up in the east. The heavy green light sieved down through the ripped and tattered stratosphere, its fissures as many-eyed as silk or pantihose, with a liquid quality too, churning, changing. Green light: let’s go… I had a bad scare myself the other week, a very bad scare. I was in bed with Danuta and we were going to have a crack at making love. Okay, a dumb move – but it was her birthday, and we’d been doing a lot of tranquillizers that night. I don’t happen to believe that lovemaking is quite as risky as some people say. To hear some people talk, you’d think that sex was a suicide pact. To hold hands is to put your life on the line. ‘Look at the time-fatality figures among the under classes,’ I tell them. They screw like there’s no tomorrow, and do they come down with time? No, it’s us high-credit characters who are really at risk. Like me and Danuta. Like Happy. Like you… Anyway, we were lying on the bed together, as I say, semi-nude, and talking about the possibility of maybe getting into the right frame of mind for a little of the old pre-foreplay – when all of a sudden I felt a rosy glow break out on me like sweat. There was this clogged inner heat, a heavy heat, with something limitless in it, right in the crux of my being. Well, I panicked. You always tell yourself you’re going to be brave, dignified, stoical. I ran wailing into the bathroom. I yanked open the triple mirror; the automatic scanlight came on with a crackle. I opened my eyes and stared. There I stood, waiting. Yes, I was clear, I was safe. I broke down and wept with relief. After a while Danuta helped me back into bed. We didn’t try to make love or anything. No way. I felt too damn good. I lay there dabbing my eyes, so happy, so grateful – my old self again.
‘You screw much, Roy?’ I asked as he handed me my car card.
‘– Sir?’
‘You screw much, Roy?’
‘Some. I guess.’
Roy was an earnest young earner of the stooped, moustachioed variety. He seemed to have burdensome responsibilities; he even wore his cartridge-belt like some kind of hernia strap or spinal support. This was the B-credit look, the buffer-class look. Pretty soon, they project, society will be equally divided into three sections. Section B will devote itself entirely to defending section A from section C. I’m section A. I’m glad I have Roy and his boys on my side.
‘Where yow driving to today, sir?’
‘Over the hills and far away, Roy. I’m going to see Happy Farraday. Any message?’
Roy looked troubled. ‘Sir,’ he said, ‘you got to tell her about Duncan. The new guy at the condo. He has an alcohol thing. Happy Farraday doesn’t know about it yet. Duncan, he sets fire to stuff, with his problem there.’
‘His problem, Roy? That’s harsh, Roy.’
‘Well, okay. I don’t want to do any kind of value thing here. Maybe it was, like when he was a kid or something. But Duncan has an alcohol situation there. That’s the truth of it, Mr Goldfader. And Happy Farraday doesn’t know about it yet. You got to warn her. You got to warn her, sir – right now, before it’s too late.’
I gazed into Roy’s handsome, imploring, deeply stupid face. The hot eyes, the tremulous cheeks, the moustache. Jesus Christ, what difference do these guys think a moustache is going to make to anything? For the hundredth time I said to him, ‘Roy, it’s all made up. It’s just TV, Roy. She writes that stuff herself. It isn’t real.’
‘Now I don’t know about none of that,’ he said, his hand splayed in quiet propitiation. ‘But I’d feel better in my mind if you’d warn her about Duncan’s factor there.’
Roy paused. With some difficulty he bent to dab at an oilstain on his superwashable blue pants. He straightened up with a long wheeze. Being young, Roy was, of course, incredibly fat – for reasons of time. We both stood there and gazed at the sky, at the spillages, the running colours, the great chemical betrayals…
‘It’s bad today,’ said Roy. ‘Sir? Mr Goldfader? Is it true what they say, that Happy Farraday’s coming down with time?’
Traffic was light and I was over at Happy’s before I knew it. Traffic is a problem, as everybody keeps on saying. It’s okay, though, if you use the more expensive lanes. We have a five-lane system here in our county: free, nickel, dime, quarter and dollar (that’s nothing, five, ten, twenty-five or a hundred dollars a mile) – but of course the free lane is non-operational right now, a gridlock, a caravan, a linear breakers’ yard of slumped and frazzled heaps, dead rolling-stock that never rolls. They’re going to have a situation there with the nickel lane too, pretty soon. The thing about driving anywhere is, it’s so unbelievably boring. Here’s another plus: since the ban on rearview mirrors, there’s not much scope for any time-anxiety. They had to take the mirrors away, yes sir. They got my support on that. The concentration-loss was a real feature, you know, driving along and checking out your crow’s feet and gumline, all at the same time… There used to be a party atmosphere out on the thruway, in the cheaper lanes where mobility is low or minimal. People would get out of their cars and horse around. Maybe it still goes on, for all I know. The dividing barriers are higher now, with the new Boredom Drive, and you can’t really tell what gives. I did see something interesting, though. I couldn’t help it. During the long wait at the security intersect, where even the dollar lane gets loused up by all the towtrucks and ambulances – and by the great fleets of copbikes and squadcars – I saw three runners, three time punks, loping steadily across the disused freightlane, up on the East Viaduct. There they were, as plain as day: shorts, sweatshirts, running-shoes. The stacked cars all sounded their horns, a low furious bellow from the old beasts in their stalls. A few dozen cops appeared with bullhorns and tried to talk them down – but they just gestured and ran defiantly on. They’re sick in the head these punks, though I guess there’s a kind of logic in it somewhere. They do vitamins, you know. Yeah. They work out and screw around; they have their nihilistic marathons. I saw one up close down at the studios last week. A security guard found her running along the old outer track. They asked her some questions and then let her go. She was about thirty, I guess. She looked in terrible shape.
And so I drove on, without incident. But even through the treated glass of the windshield I could see and sense the atrocious lancings and poppings in the ruined sky. It gets to you. Stare at the blazing noon of a high-watt bulb for ten or fifteen minutes – then shut your eyes, real tight and sudden. That’s what the sky looks like. You know, we pity it, or at least I do. I look at the sky and I just think…ow. Whew. Oh, the sky, the poor sky.
Happy Farraday had left a priority clearance for me at Realty HQ, so I didn’t have to hang around that long. To tell you the truth, I was scandalized by how lax and perfunctory the security people were becoming. It’s always like this, after a quiet few weeks. Then there’s another shitstorm from section C, and all the writs start flying around again. In the cubicle I put my clothes back on and dried my hair. While they okayed my urinalysis and X-ray congruence tests, I watched TV in the commissary. I sat down, delicately, gingerly (you know how it is, after a strip search), and took three clippings out of my wallet. These are for the file. What do you think?
Item 1, from the news page of Screen Week:
In a series of repeated experiments at the Valley Chemistry Workshop, Science Student Edwin Navasky has ‘proven’ that hot water freezes faster than cold. Said Edwin, ‘We did the test four times.’ Added Student Advisor Joy Broadener: ‘It’s a feature. We’re real baffled.’
Item 2, from the facts section of Armchair Guide:
Candidate Day McGwire took out a spot on Channel 29 Monday last. Her purpose: to deny persistent but unfounded rumours that she suffered from heart trouble. Sadly, she was unable to appear. The reason: her sudden hospitalization with a cardiac problem.
Item 3, from the update column of Television:
Meteorological Pilot Lars Christer reported another sighting of ‘The Thing Up There’ during a routine low-level flight. The location: 10,000 feet above Lake Baltimore. His description: ‘It was kind of oval, with kind of a black circle in the center.’ The phenomenon is believed to be a cumulus or spore formation. Christer’s reaction: ‘I don’t know what to make of it. It’s a thing.’
‘Goldfader,’ roared the tannoy, scattering my thoughts. The caddycart was ready at the gate. In the west now the heavens looked especially hellish and distraught, with a throbbing, peeled-eyeball effect on the low horizon – bloodshot, conjunctivitic. Pink eye. The Thing Up There, I sometimes suspect, it might look like an eye, flecked with painful tears, staring, incensed… Using my cane I walked cautiously around the back of Happy’s bungalow. Her twenty-year-old daughter Sunny was lying naked on a lounger, soaking up the haze. She made no move to cover herself as I limped poolside. Little Sunny here wants me to represent her someday, and I guess she was showing me the goods. Well, it’s like they say: if you’ve got it, flaunt it.
‘Hi, Lou,’ she said sleepily. ‘Take a drink. Go ahead. It’s five o’clock.’
I looked at Sunny critically as I edged past her to the bar. The kid was a real centrefold, no question. Now don’t misunderstand me here. I say centrefold, but of course pornography hasn’t really kept up with time. At first they tried filling the magazines and mature cable channels with new-look women, like Sunny, but it didn’t work out. Time has effectively killed pornography, except as an underground blood sport, or a punk thing. Time has killed much else. Here’s an interesting topic-sentence. Now that masturbation is the only form of sex that doesn’t carry a government health warning, what do we think about when we’re doing it there, what is left for us to think about? Me, I’m not saying. Christ, are you? What images slide, what specters flit…what happens to these thoughts as they hover and mass, up there in the blasted, the totalled, up there in the fucked sky?
‘Come on, Sunny. Where’s your robe.’
As I fixed myself a vodka-tonic and sucked warily on a pretzel, I noticed Sunny’s bald patch gently gleaming in the mist. I sighed.
‘You like my dome?’ she asked, without turning. ‘Relax, it’s artificial.’ She sat up straight now and looked at me coyly. She smiled. Yeah, she’d had her teeth gimmicked too – by some cowboy snaggle-artist down in the Valley, no doubt. I poled myself poolside again and took a good slow scan. The flab and pallor were real all right, but the stretch marks seemed cosmetic: too symmetrical, too pronounced.
‘Now you listen to me, kid,’ I began. ‘Here are the realities. To scudbathe, to flop out all day by the pool with a bottle or two, to take on a little weight around the middle there – that’s good for a girl. I mean you got to keep in shape. But this mutton routine, Sunny, it’s for the punks. No oldjob ever got on my books and no oldjob ever will. Here are the reasons. Number one –’ And I gave young Sunny a long talking to out there, a real piece of my mind. I had her in the boredom corner and I wasn’t letting her out. I went on and on at her – on and on and on and on. Me, I almost checked out myself, as boredom edged toward despair (the way boredom will), staring into the voided pool, the reflected skyscape, and the busy static, in the sediment of sable rain.
‘Yeah, well,’ I said, winding up. ‘Anyway. What’s the thing? You look great.’
She laughed, coughed and spat. ‘Forget it, Lou,’ she said croakily. ‘I only do it for fun.’
‘I’m glad to hear that, Sunny. Now where’s your mother.’
‘Two days.’
‘Uh?’
‘In her room. In her room two days. She’s serious this time.’
‘Oh, sure.’
I rebrimmed my drink and went inside. The only point of light in the hallway came from the mirror’s sleepless scanlamp. I looked myself over as I limped by. The heavy boredom and light stress of the seven-hour drive had done me good. I was fine, fine. ‘Happy?’ I said, and knocked.
‘Is that you, Lou?’ The voice was strong and clear – and it was quick, too. Direct, alert. ‘I’ll unlatch the door but don’t come in right away.’
‘Sure,’ I said. I took a pull of booze and groped around for a chair. But then I heard the click and Happy’s brisk ‘Okay’… Now I have to tell you that two things puzzled me here. First, the voice; second, the alacrity there. Usually when she’s in this state you can hardly hear the woman, and it takes an hour or more for her to get to the door and back into bed again. Yeah, I thought, she must have been waiting with her fingers poised on the handle. There’s nothing wrong with Happy. The lady is fine, fine.
So in I went. She had the long black nets up over the sack – streaming, glistening, a cot for the devil’s progeny. I moved through the gloom to the bedside chair and sat myself down with a grunt. A familiar chair. A familiar vigil.
‘Mind if I don’t smoke?’ I asked her. ‘It’s not the lungburn. I just get tuckered out lighting the damn things all the time. Understand what I mean?’
No answer.
‘How are you feeling, Happy?’
No answer.
‘Now listen, kid. You got to quit this nonsense. I know it’s problematic with the new role and everything, but – do I have to tell you again what happened to Day Montague? Do I, Happy? Do I? You’re forty years old. You look fantastic. Let me tell you what Greg Buzhardt said to me when he saw the outtakes last week. He said, “Style. Class. Presence. Sincerity. Look at the ratings. Look at the profiles. Happy Farraday is the woman of men’s dreams.” That’s what he said. “Happy Farraday is the –'”
‘Lou.‘
The voice came from behind me. I swivelled, and felt the twinge of tendons in my neck. Happy stood in a channel of bathroom light and also in the softer channel or haze of her slip of silk. She stood there as vivid as health itself, as graphic as youth, with her own light sources, the eyes, the mouth, the hair, the dips and curves of the flaring throat. The silk fell to her feet, and the glass fell from my hand, and something else dropped or plunged inside my chest.
‘Oh Christ,’ I said. ‘Happy, I’m sorry.’
I remember what the sky was like, when the sky was young – its shawls and fleeces, its bears and whales, its cusps and clefts. A sky of grey, a sky of blue, a sky of spice. But now the sky has gone, and we face different heavens. Some vital casing has left our lives. Up there, now, I think, a kind of turnaround occurs. Time-fear collects up there and comes back to us in the form of time. It’s the sky, the sky, it’s the fucking sky. If enough people believe that a thing is real or happening, then it seems that the thing must happen, must go for real. Against all odds and expectation, these are magical times we’re living in: proletarian magic. Grey magic!
Now that it’s over, now that I’m home and on the mend, with Danuta back for good and Happy gone for ever, I think I can talk it all out and tell you the real story. I’m sitting on the cramped verandah with a blanket on my lap. Before me through the restraining bars, the sunset sprawls in its polluted pomp, full of genies, cloaked ghosts, crimson demons of the middle sky. Red light: let’s stop – let’s end it. The Thing Up There, it may not be God, of course. It may be the Devil. Pretty soon, Danuta will call me in for my broth. Then a nap, and an hour of TV maybe. The Therapy Channel. I’m really into early nights… This afternoon I went walking, out on the shoulder. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’ll do it again. On my return Roy appeared and helped me into the lift. He then asked me shyly, ‘Happy Farraday – she okay now, sir?’
‘Okay?’ I said. ‘Okay? What do you mean, okay? You never read a news page, Roy?’
‘When she had to leave for Australia there. I wondered if she’s okay. It’ll be better for her, I guess. She was in a situation, with Duncan. It was a thing there.’
‘That’s just TV, for Christ’s sake. They wrote her out,’ I said, and felt a sudden, leaden calm. ‘She’s not in Australia, Roy. She’s in heaven.’
‘– Sir?’
‘She’s dead, God damn it.’
‘Now I don’t know about none of that,’ he said, with one fat palm raised. ‘All it is is, I just hope she’s okay, over in Australia there.’
Happy is in heaven, or I hope she is. I hope she’s not in hell. Hell is the evening sky and I surely hope she’s not up there. Ah, how to bear it? It’s a thing. No, it really is.
I admit right now that I panicked back there, in the bungalow bedroom with the chute of light, the altered woman, and my own being so quickly stretched by fragility and fear. I shouted a lot. Lie down! Call Trattman! Put on your robe! That kind of thing. ‘Come on, Lou. Be realistic,’ she said. ‘Look at me.’ And I looked. Yeah. Her skin had that shiny telltale succulence, all over. Her hair – which a week ago, God damn it, lay as thin and colourless as my own – was humming with body and glow. And the mouth, Christ…lips all full and wet, and an animal tongue, like a heart, not Happy’s, the tongue of another woman, bigger, greedier, younger. Younger. Classic time. Oh, classic.
She had me go over and lie down on the bed with her there, to give comfort, to give some sense of final safety. I was in a ticklish state of nerves, as you’d imagine. Time isn’t infectious (we do know that about time) but sickness in any form won’t draw a body nearer and I wanted all my distance. Stay out, it says. Then I saw – I saw it in her breasts, high but heavy, their little points tender, detailed, time-inflamed; and the smell, the smell of deep memory, tidal, submarine…I knew the kind of comfort she wanted. Yes and time often takes them this way, I thought, in my slow and stately terror. You’ve come this far: go further, I told myself. Go closer, nearer, closer. Do it for her, for her and for old times’ sake. I stirred, ready to let her have all that head and hand could give, until I too felt the fever in my lines of heat, the swell and smell of youth and death. This is suicide, I thought, and I didn’t care… At one point, during the last hours, just before dawn, I got to my feet and crept to the window and looked up at the aching, the hurting sky; I felt myself grey and softly twanging for a moment, like a coathanger left to shimmer on the pole, with Happy there behind me, alone in her bed and her hot death. ‘Honey,’ I said out loud, and went to join her. I like it, I thought, and gave a sudden nod. What do I like? I like the love. This is suicide and I don’t care.
I was in terrible shape, mind you, for the next couple of months, really beat to shit, out of it, really out of it. I would wake at seven and leap out of the sack. I suffered energy attacks. Right off my food, I craved thick meat and thick wine. I couldn’t watch any therapy. After barely a half hour of some home-carpentry show or marathon darts contest I’d be pacing the room with frenzy in my bitten fingertips. I put Danuta at risk too, on several occasions. I even threw a pass in on little Sunny Farraday, who came to stay here for a time after the cremation. Danuta moved out. She’s back now. She’s a good kid, Danuta – she helped me through. But the whole thing is behind me now, and I think (knock on wood) that I’m more or less my old self again.
Pretty soon I’ll rap on the window with my cane and have Danuta fetch me another blanket. Later, she’ll help me inside for my broth. Then a nap, and an hour of TV maybe. The Therapy Channel. I’m happy here for the time being, and willingly face the vivid torment, the boiling acne of the dying sky. When this sky is dead, will they give us a new one? Today my answering service left a strange message: I have to call a number in Sydney, over in Australia there. I’ll do it tomorrow. Or the next day. Yeah. I can’t make the effort right now. To reach for my stick, to lift it, to rap the glass, to say Danuta – even that takes steep ascents of time. All things happen so slowly now. I have a new feature with my back. I broke a tooth last week on a piece of toast. Jesus, how I hate bending and stairs. The sky hangs above me in shredded webs, in bloody tatters. It’s a big relief, and I’m grateful. I’m okay. I’m good, good. For the time being at any rate, I show no signs of coming down with time.
Image © Dennis Schnieber
